Change is inevitable in coaching. Great coaches must be willing to embrace it.

This article was provided by Changing the Game Project

Have you ever heard of Blockbuster Video? Have you seen one lately? There is a reason only one Blockbuster store remains today. Let me explain.

In 1992 I was a senior in High School playing for one of the top high school soccer teams in the state. We were successful because our coach was one of those “curious coaches”. He sought new knowledge, learned new methods, and pushed the envelope of conventional coaching to find what would work next.

It was the opening game of tournament play. We were the number one seed in the area and drew a lower seed. This gave coach a chance to try one of his crazy new ideas. Our warm-up was not your typical pre-game routine. We didn’t line up and run laps, or do static stretches in a circle. We didn’t get in 3 lines and pass/dribble on goal.

Coach tossed out jerseys and had us play small sided games with “neutral” players to create numbers up situations. Then coach rearranged teams and had all of our “attacking players” playing against our “defending players”. Attacking players played toward the goal and the defenders played to small goals at midfield. Our keep away game became directional with purpose. Finally, we played small-sided games focused on scoring goals off crosses and loose balls in the box, with targets at the top of the box who could receive a “drop” for longer range shots.

When captains were called, we sprinted to midfield. We were ready to play. We were out of breath, we were amped up, we were chomping at the bit to attack someone else. A club teammate of mine was captain for our opponent. I still recall his expression of disbelief.

“What is that crazy warm-up? No runs. No stretches. Playing keep away and getting worn out. Who does that?”

I told him coach said it gets us into a game mindset, is game specific, and will have us ready to start quickly. My counterpart said his coach laughed at us. Was our coach crazy for his unconventional pre-game routine? Should we have stuck with tradition and kept doing it the way everyone else had for all those years?

I’ll let you be the judge. We deferred kick off and immediately pounced on the typical back pass to the center back (I am so old we called it a “sweeper”). He didn’t get a chance to touch the ball before I had intercepted the pass and slipped into the box undefended. We started like a drag race car who had been revving the engine and spinning the wheels long before the green light. They took 10 minutes to get the engine cranking. We had a 2 goal lead and full control of the match by then. We played fast, we played high pressure, we played with passion. The same way we had warmed up that night. Our opponent was slow, unengaged, and sleepy.

Today, we see this kind of warm-up all over the world. Teams prepare for a match by simulating match conditions. No static stretches, no laps, and lines. Back then coach was laughed at for getting us ready for the game that way. Today he would be laughed at for not preparing us this way.

Change is inevitable in coaching. Great coaches must be willing to embrace it. Our knowledge will change. The sport will evolve. Our players will be different. The best coaches are always trying new things. We must be willing to see opportunities to adapt and add to our game too.

This is how the world’s best coaches lead their teams. Pep Guardiola did it at Barcelona and is doing it again at Manchester City (check out this great new book The Barcelona Way: Unlocking the DNA of a Winning Culture by Damien Hughes). Steve Kerr took everything he learned from coaches such as Phil Jackson and Pete Carroll, and layered in his own principles and style, adding his twist to things that were working and making them better. We cannot be so set in our ways we miss the chance to make adjustments in the way we engage, educate, and empower our athletes or we could completely miss the mark. If we are not ready to change, the world will pass us by, just like it did to Blockbuster Video.

In 1998, Blockbuster Video had a market value of $4 Billion. At its peak, it had 9,100 retail stores. You couldn’t drive a few blocks in most US cities without seeing the big blue and yellow sign. In 2000, fledgling video-by-mail company Netflix approached Blockbuster with a crazy idea. Netflix wanted Blockbuster to buy them for $50 million. Blockbuster could promote Netflix’s online subscription service in their stores, and Netflix would run Blockbuster’s online presence. Why would a $4 billion dollar giant allow an unknown upstart to run its brand? Furthermore, why would Blockbuster even consider a business model that shunned late fees, since late fees made up $800 million in revenues?

Netflix was laughed out of the room. Blockbuster stuck to what they’ve always done, even though the market was changing, the consumer was different and the model was evolving. By the time Blockbuster realized they needed to adapt, the proverbial ship had sailed. They never recovered.

Only one Blockbuster remains open today (it’s in Bend Oregon, home of Changing the Game Project!).

While Blockbuster has gone bankrupt, Netflix has continued to zig when the world wants to zag. It didn’t stop at eliminating late fees. When the market and consumers needed to “rent now” (one of the advantages Blockbuster brick and mortar stores offered), they adapted and shifted to a streaming model. When it called for renting movies anywhere, they shifted to a “stream to any device, anywhere there is an internet connection” model. Finally, when the market demanded original content (an advantage the big movie houses and television operators offered), Netflix started creating curated content tailored to consumers.

What started as a small player is now a category killer across multiple markets and is threatening even the oldest and largest media companies who have been creating and delivering content to consumers for over a century. Netflix’s current market capitalization is over $152 billion (more than Disney and Comcast) because they listened, they adapted, and they made small changes.

As coaches, we don’t need to give up all we know about coaching. We shouldn’t abandon all that has shaped who we are today and built the resume we hold. We aren’t required to completely change how we coach if that has brought us success.

But shouldn’t we at least take caution from the lesson of Blockbuster and celebrate Netflix by looking for opportunities to adapt to the current needs of the market (the game), the makeup of our consumers (athletes), and the demands of an industry? If we are not willing to realize that the game is evolving and the players are different, we may end up going the way of Blockbuster.

Sports has evolved. We have more data and science about youth sports today than the last 50 years combined. The way sports are being played across the globe is changing faster than ever. The kids who play sport are vastly different than the kids were a generation ago. The excuse for why our coaching is not working, “kids these days,” is not an excuse. It is a cop-out. Seek to understand them, and meet them on their turf. Teach them in meaningful ways so they actually learn what is taught. Instead of blaming them for our own failure, adapt what we are doing for the sake of their success.

Are we “Blockbuster Coaches”? Are we refusing to change, even a little, in order to remain relevant?

Or are we Netflix coaches, ready to shift, adapt, reexamine, and disrupt in order to ensure we are on the cutting edge of effective coaching?

Here are 5 easy ways to be more like Netflix and continue to evolve your coaching alongside the changing athlete landscape:

• Heed the advice of Simon Sinek and Start with Why! You need a solid foundation to build your coaching philosophy upon. What is your why? Your tactics and strategy can change, but your core values, the things you hold dear about your teams such as integrity, sportsmanship, competitiveness, etc., those are unwavering. As Joe Ehrmann suggests in InsideOut Coaching, write out your coaching purpose statement, and stick to it. Layer in new tactics and techniques, but get your foundation right.

• Study and learn – The biggest problem with being at the top of the heap is a belief that what got you there will keep you there. The New Zealand All Blacks have a saying, “When you are on top of your game, change your game”. All the other competitors around you, and below you, are adapting to catch up and surpass you. If everyone around you is doing their homework, it does not matter how good you are, they will surpass you if you are standing still. Is there a little change that could keep you relevant?

• Understand your biggest competitors – This can be both inside and outside the sports world. Who is succeeding at better engagement, lower attrition rates, and higher development success rates? What are they doing differently to achieve this? Is there a competitor you should be watching more closely for clues? (I’ll give you a hint…video games are growing exponentially compared to youth sports)

• Find the biggest pain points your players face and help them to solve them – Ask yourself what obstacles are in the way of your athletes ability to perform. Ask them what keeps them from fully engaging and learning. Those who seek to solve other’s pain points and reduce their barriers to success end up having the most impact. Is there something you are ignoring that is keeping you from being the best coach you can be?

• Try it. If it doesn’t work, move on – This is difficult for all coaches. We don’t want to appear to fail or make mistakes in front of our athletes, but it may be the best gift we give them. Showing vulnerability, self-awareness, and resilience in the face of failure is a massive modeling opportunity for your athletes. Our willingness to try new things and our readiness to admit and recover is a lesson athletes carry into life. Netflix is not without their share of mistakes. They launched Qwikster and tried to separate the streaming service from the DVD rental service, and almost spelled doom for the company. They recovered by admitting a mistake and remedying it with the consumer. Netflix now has no fear of trying new things and pivoting when they don’t work. Is there something you could try tomorrow that might create a better learning environment with your team?

So, are you a Blockbuster coach, or are you a Netflix coach? Are you still relevant, or doing it the way it has always been done? Would this be OK in any other “profession?”

We think not.

This article was provided by Coaches Network

By Alan Hargreaves and Richard Bate

There is nothing worse than a player who won’t or can’t listen. Because successful communication with your players is crucial, it pays to have some insight into the field of knowledge called communication. This field of knowledge has much to teach us, including the fact that, although we all have the ability to receive as well as transmit messages, many of us—especially coaches—are more skilled at transmitting than receiving! We might improve ourselves as coaches simply by becoming better listeners! Also, we know that body language, posture, and gestures (nonverbal communication) are all very important in transmitting messages to others, especially messages of enthusiasm and commitment.

What we say or do usually carries with it an emotional message. For example, some people can convey intense anger with a softly spoken word or inject humor into the most violent-looking gestures. We want to highlight three types of communication that will enable you to gain access to the minds of your players. These three types, which are often combined, are verbal, visual, and physical communication.

Verbal Communication

As coaches, we probably use verbal communication more than any other method. We know from experience that talking with players, rather than at them, can be one of the most effective means of communication. When you tell players what to do, always consider how they will receive your message; try to anticipate their reactions.

Double Positive Approach

Receiving good news is always pleasant; we all enjoy being praised, provided that it is sincere praise. When you see a successful performance, stop the practice and explain and demonstrate why the performance is successful. We call this the double positive approach because you simultaneously reinforce the player for good play while establishing the correct points of technique for the benefit of all players engaged in the practice.

However, players do make mistakes. When coaching players who can be especially sensitive, try to correct mistakes without discouraging them. If you go directly to the negative—the failure or mistake—you can very easily make a player feel insecure to such an extent that he may avoid trying again. Instead, begin with a positive opening remark before you correct what the player is doing wrong (e.g., “Good try, but . . .” or, “Yes, that move was OK, but . . . ”).

By giving an encouraging opening comment, you make the player feel secure and thus receptive. To be really effective, you must open the player’s mind to advice. In this way you avoid creating the closed mind of the irritated or reluctant player, whose negative emotions might momentarily interfere with cooperation and reason.

In our view, the double positive approach is the most important of all of the strategies. If you can spend most of your coaching life looking for and positively reinforcing what is right, good, and correct, then you are much more likely to be a happy, successful, and respected coach.

Question-and-Answer Technique

We believe it is a mistake for any coach to continually tell players what they should be doing. You can often achieve far more by asking players rather than telling. We recommend what is known as the question-and-answer technique. For example, if you ask your players a question such as, “Who can tell me why that was such a good pass?” or “What defensive systems are our opponents using?” you will achieve two objectives. First, you will elicit the correct technical diagnosis; and second, by involving the players in the discussion, you will encourage them to develop their own powers of observation and critical analysis. Getting players to appreciate and develop their own knowledge of the game is surely at the heart of good coaching, and the question-and-answer technique enhances this process.

Visual Communication

Good visual communication—the ability to demonstrate well—is a priceless gift. Not only does a good demonstration provide a picture for your players, but it also adds to your credibility and prevents the boredom of long verbal explanations. Following are some important characteristics of a good demonstration:

Simplicity. Emphasize only one major point and perhaps one minor point each time you demonstrate. Bring out additional features in the next demonstration.

Reasonable goals. Your demonstration should always set goals that are within the ability of your players.

Appropriate body language. If you want players to move quickly and urgently, demonstrate the correct pace and tempo of the movement. If you want to stress calmness and composure, let your body movements and your voice convey these qualities.

Talking while demonstrating. This enables you to draw attention to key points while you are actually demonstrating them.

Refraining from overdemonstrating. Restrict demonstrations to one or two repetitions. You may occasionally need to demonstrate a skill three times, but four or more demonstrations will usually bore your audience.

What if My Demonstration Goes Wrong?

You cannot afford to continually make errors in front of your students. How, then, do you handle a mistake when demonstrating? You may find the following strategies useful:

Always try to rehearse in private. If you need a server, practice with that person. If the server makes a mistake in the actual demonstration, don’t try to compensate; stop and try again.

Before you demonstrate, say to the group, “I may need two or three attempts to get this demonstration right.” If you alert the group to the possibility of failure, it won’t be a disaster if you fail. Furthermore, this implies that the players too must be prepared for failure and that failure is not necessarily a bad thing. Of course, succeeding the first time is a bonus.

Stop after your third unsuccessful attempt at demonstrating. Don’t keep on failing! If you are not successful by the third attempt, start the players working with a comment such as, “Sorry, it’s not going well for me today, but you can see what is needed!” No one is perfect, and the players would rather practice themselves than watch you fail. A sincere coach has nothing to fear from an occasional failure.

What Do I Do if I Simply Can’t Demonstrate?

The ability to give good demonstrations is a priceless asset. There are limits, however, and no one who is seriously interested in coaching soccer should be discouraged by an inability to demonstrate. You would not, for example, expect every track coach to sprint 100 meters in under 10 seconds! What matters most is that you know what should be done and why and can get that knowledge across to your players.

If you do not feel confident enough to demonstrate, consider using a preselected demonstrator, the discovery approach, a group challenge, or visual aids.

Preselected Demonstrator: Select a good performer, take him to one side, and have him rehearse the skill or movement several times. Then let this player demonstrate for the entire group.

Discovery Approach: With this method you introduce the topic and start the group off without an introductory demonstration. For example, to coach accuracy in passing, you might start with the players in pairs passing to each other, or you might organize mini-games of 3-on-3. As the players pass, watch for players who pass accurately; then stop the practice and ask the accurate passers to demonstrate for the others.

Group Challenge: Give small groups of players the same task. After a set period of time, let each group demonstrate in turn. In this way you will produce a number of tactical moves to discuss with the players. Further, you will have challenged your players’ initiative.

Visual Aids: Coaching videos, handouts, and charts are useful, but you must use them with care. Examine them in advance, and show only sections you want students to see. Showing a video of a complete game can often be a waste of time, for example—be selective.

Physical Communication

Physical communication involves guiding players’ limbs through the correct movement. This is more important when coaching younger players. Young children must discover how to perform new skills, and they learn more by doing and feeling the correct pattern or shape of the movement than by listening.

This technique affords a special advantage when coaching younger players. Young athletes really respond to being coached by someone who is literally on their own level rather than someone towering above them and perhaps talking down to them in more ways than one.

The overriding strategy is really quite straightforward: observe the players, diagnose their strengths and weaknesses, and then select the methods of communication you think will best suit the group at that particular time. Then, depending on their skill levels, concentrate on making each drill a little more demanding than the previous one.

This is an excerpt from Skills & Strategies for Coaching Soccer, Second Edition, published by Human Kinetics

This article was provided by Busy.Coach

By Mandy Green, University of South Dakota.

The Pareto principle states that 20% of a person’s effort generates 80% of the person’s results. The corollary to this is that 20% of one’s results absorb 80% of one’s resources or efforts. For the effective use of resources, the coach’s challenge is to distinguish the right 20% from the trivial many.

Identify the high-payoff activities within your program.  High-payoff activities are the things you do that bring the greatest value to your program, team, or staff.  They are the three to five activities that lie in your “sweet spot.”  You do them with excellence.  These activities could be building relationships with recruits, making phone calls to parents, sending emails to recruits, managing your current team, etc.  They are your unique discipline or distinctive skills and abilities that distinguish you from other staff members.

Being able to prioritize your personnel, time, and energy will allow you the freedom to produce more efficient results.

Here are a few exercises taken from John Maxwell’s book Developing the Leader within You that should get you started:

Task Priorities

Determine what 20% of the work gives 80% of the return. These activities could be building relationships with recruits, making phone calls to parents, sending emails to recruits, managing your current team, etc.  They are your unique discipline or distinctive skills and abilities that distinguish you from other staff members.

Make a list of the tasks that you are working on today, this week, and in the near future.

Place each task next to the appropriate category below.

• List of things to do now (High Importance/High Urgency). Tackle these tasks first;
• List of things to do (High Importance/Low Urgency). Set deadlines for completion and get these tasks worked into your daily routine
• List of things to delegate (Low Importance/High Urgency). Find quick, efficient ways to get this work done without much personal involvement. Delegate it.
• Low Importance/Low Urgency: Busy or repetitious work. Delegate it.

Staff/Team Oversight and Leadership Development

• Determine which people are the top 20% producers. Start by making a list of everyone on your team.
• For each individual, ask yourself, if this person takes a negative action against me or withdraws his or her support from me, how big will the impact be?”
• If their absence would hinder your ability to function, put a check mark next to that name.
• When you finish making the check marks, you will have marked between 15 and 20 percent of the names. These are the vital relationships that need to be developed and given the proper amount of resources to grow your program.
• Meet one-on-one with the people you checked above.
• Spend 80 percent of your “people time” with the top 20%
• Spend 80 percent of your personal development dollars on the 20%

Sit down and spend the time to find out how this principle applies within almost every aspect of your program, and you have the power to set the vital priorities which will mean the difference between failure, survival, and success. This principle will save you time, effort, money and resources, and take you further down the road to success.

Knowing what your high-payoff activities are and actually doing them, however, are two very different things.  Many surveys that I have read over the past several years have shown that the average American worker spends only 50-60 percent of the workday on activities specified in her or her job description.  That means that workers waste 40-50 percent of their time on low-payoff activities, tackling things that others with less skill or training should be doing.  Are you in this category coach?

By disciplining yourself to clearly identify your high-payoff activities, and then by filling your calendar with those things and appropriately delegating, delaying, or dropping the low-payoff activities, you can and will get more productive things done everyday, reduce your stress, and increase your happiness.

The more time you spend doing the high-payoff activities, the more value you will bring to your team, program, and staff.  By disciplining yourself to clearly identify your high-payoff activities, and then by filling your calendar with those things and appropriately delegating, delaying, or dropping the low-payoff activities, you can and will get more high-payoff activities done everyday, reduce your stress, and increase your happiness.

This article was provided by Changing the Game Project

Remember this…As coaches and parents we judge ourselves by our intentions, however 0ur athletes and children judge us by our actions

By James Leath

Immediately, I smile and start to explain to her that I forgot my watch and I needed to make sure we were on schedule. Tasha rolled her eyes, clearly unimpressed with my response.

“No big deal,” I had thought to myself on the way to practice when I realized I forgot my watch, “I’ll use my phone.” Fifteen minutes into practice, I had pulled out my phone to make sure we were on schedule. Big mistake.

“Can you believe the nerve of that girl?” I thought. “Here I am, the volunteer head coach, staying up late watching videos on drills and strategy, planning practices on my lunch break, staying late for players who parents are delayed picking up their child…and now some kid is telling me to put my phone away when all I am doing is making sure practice is on schedule?”

Reflecting back on that practice later that night, though, I asked myself what did Tasha really want? What was she really asking for?

I realized that she was looking for the one thing kids crave more than anything else. She wanted me to be there, in that moment, in that drill, watching her and her teammates. She wanted my attention.

She didn’t simply want me to care for her, or love her, or teach her how to play the game. She wanted more.

She wanted me to see her!

Have you ever seen the movie Avatar? During the film, the Na’vi race express their affection for each other not by saying “I love you,” but by saying, “I see you.” Isn’t that beautiful? Isn’t that how we should coach our athletes? We can love someone and still be less than present at times. But to “see” someone requires us to be fully engaged and present.

When a child knows you see them, they want to impress you. Changing the Game Project Founder John O’Sullivan’s TED talk teaches parents to say five simple words to your child after a game or practice, “I love watching you play.”

The key word is watching.

Watching is being present and engaged. See the good. See the bad. And yes, it’s OK to even see the ugly. Just see all of it!

“I see you” does not mean coaching from the sideline. It does not mean constantly critiquing or second-guessing. It does not mean only pointing out mistakes. It means simply being present, engaged and watching.

“Were you watching when I made that goal?”

“Were you watching when the coach put me in?”

“Were you watching when I got fouled and the ref didn’t call it?”

“Did you see all my good passes or only the bad ones?”

We live in a world filled with distractions. We are always connected to email, to text, to social media, and have a phone on our hip 24/7. We have all been out to a nice restaurant and have seen a family at dinner, each on their own cell phone, fully immersed in Facebook, or Twitter, or texting, and not at all present with each other. We go to our doctor’s office and they are not looking at us, but typing on their computer as we speak. Eye contact and full engagement seem to be a lost art.

Kids love presents, but what they need, and what they will remember, is presence. They need to know you notice them. They need to see an example of what it means to pay attention. We set that example with our actions.

When it comes to our kids sporting events I see many parents watching every practice, or attending every single game, yet rarely are they fully present. They are watching through the lens of a camera or a smartphone, or staring at their screen instead of their athlete. I see coaches sending texts, or on the side chatting with another coach instead of coaching their players.

Our kids notice when we are distracted. That’s what Tasha was telling me. Even though my use of the phone was legitimate, I forgot that we judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our actions. How our athletes perceive our engagement is not necessarily how good our intentions are. We are judged by our kids based upon what they see us do. The message I was sending to Tasha and her teammates was one that said “I expect 100% focus, effort and commitment from you, the athlete, yet I don’t expect that of myself.”

Coaches and parents must remember that our athletes thrive not simply on love, but on being noticed. “Do you see me?” and “Watch me do this,” is child-speak for, “I want to show you I’m worthy of your affection.”

Here are 5 ways coaches and parents can make sure your athletes know “I see you”:

1. Be present

Parents, you are not required to be at every single practice or game. Your kids won’t think less of you for not being there all the time. In fact, many of them will appreciate those moments away from a parent’s attention. It allows for freedom. It tells them the experience belongs to them. But when you do go and watch, shut off your phone. Be a fan (no coaching). When you are there, be fully present.

Coaches, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be fully engaged in practice. Far too many coaches:

• Fail to arrive prepared, on time, or dressed properly for practice
• Stop coaching and start talking to a parent or fellow coach about unrelated issues, thereby checking out of practice
• Send texts or check social media during game or practice time
• Default to more scrimmage time instead of preparing and teaching

What message do you think these above actions send? Great coaching is hard work and needs your full attention before, during and after training. Your actions speak louder than words. Stay engaged, and so will your players.

2. Catch them doing something right…

…and acknowledge it both verbally and non-verbally. I had a basketball player last season that was afraid to shoot because her previous coach would yell at her when she missed. She needed consistent reassurance it was okay to shoot on her new team. After every shot, she would look over to the bench hoping to catch my gaze. Whether she missed or made the shot, she got a thumbs up from me. By the end of the season, she was my leading scorer. Research demonstrates that people perform best when they get five pieces of positive reinforcement for every one correction or critique. As World Cup and Olympic winning soccer coach Tony DiCicco states, the secret to developing successful athletes is to “catch them being good.”

3. Make it safe to fail…

…especially when you catch them doing something wrong. Athletes know when they mess up. Mistakes are inevitable. An adult’s reaction to a mistake can either encourage or hinder risk-taking. When Lionel Messi was a young player at Barcelona, he would try and dribble past four defenders, often losing the ball. Do you think his coaches yelled at him to pass? Nope. They stopped the play, gave him the ball back, and said, “Try that again.”

Coaches, if your players make a mistake, especially when they are fully focused and giving full effort, acknowledge their effort and encourage them to try again. Instead of taking them out of the game, call them to the sideline, tell them to try again, then send them back out there. That shows you trust them, and trust from a player to a coach goes a long way.

4. Connect with them about things not related to sports

A wise coach once told me “sports will be over and your athletes will have at least 2/3 of their life ahead of them. If your entire relationship consists of talking about sports, what then?” This shook me and made me realize that it was imperative to connect about things away from the field. This connection not only forms lifelong friendships, but it helps athletes perform better in two ways. First, they realize their worth is not simply just a pair of feet or some good hands, but as a human being. And second, this connection allows for a stronger relationship, one that can bear the burden of the hard truths both parents and coaches are required to discuss with the young men and women in their care.

5. Give them ownership of the outcome

World-renowned sport psychologist Dr. Jerry Lynch speaks of the three questions a coach should ask at halftime of a game. (1) What is working? (2) What is not working? And (3) How can we fix it? Do you see how these questions help players take ownership of the good, the bad, and the solution? By allowing them to have some input your players will compete harder because you have acknowledged their ideas and their input, and they are trying to execute their solution. You have seen them.As a parent, you do this by accepting your child’s goals for playing and letting the experience belong to them. Push them toward their goals, not your own, and when they succeed, remind them it was their effort that brought success.

Kids are not mini-adults, and, therefore, do not possess adult emotions, values, or priorities. Yet one thing they do have in common with adults is they want to be acknowledged. They want to be noticed when they get it right and told its OK when they get it wrong. They do not need to be coddled, but they do need a safe place to fail. When you do these things, your athletes will compete harder, take ownership, and excel.

That is why we must be very intentional about the things we do when we are watching our kids play, and especially when we are coaching them.

That’s why we must remember that any parent or coach can tell a child “I love watching you play.”

Great parenting and coaching emphasizes the WATCHING, and letting the child know that yes, “I see you.” Seeing them makes all the difference.

Click on the image at the left for a free video series from Changing the Game Project

This post was provided by Changing the Game Project

By John O’Sullivan

“Do you want to win every game you play for the rest of your life?”

That was a question that Olympic gold medalist and current USA Women’s Volleyball team head coach Karch Kiraly asked his team as they prepared for the 2014 World Championships.

“Because we can,” he told them. They could schedule easy opponents, play overmatched foes, and play in friendly instead of hostile environments. But then what? Would they be challenged? Would they be pushed? Would they be bored? Of course. Deep down no one wants to win all the rest of their games. You must lose sometimes, and they did as they prepared in 2014..

Kiraly’s team went on to claim the World Championship, and is a favorite for gold in Rio this summer, because they continually challenge themselves. They lose sometimes, but they learn from losing. His question to his team is one our Changing the Game Project speakers ask parents all the time: “Do you want your kids to win all their games for the rest of their life?”

Of course the answer is no. We understand that winning is great, but losing and being challenged and pushed is where young athletes learn the most. We don’t want our kids to play all their games against overmatched teams, or in easy tournaments, because they would eventually get bored and quit. They want to be challenged. Here is the clincher, though.

They are OK with losing, and most kids understand it’s part of the process.

Sadly, many adults struggle with losing far more than their kids. Angry moms and dads berate their kids and officials from the sidelines, and on the ride home after games. Coaches yell and scream at athletes, or worse yet, don’t even let some kids play in matches because they fear losing. They use physical punishment (running, pushups, etc) when kids make technical errors, instead of teaching them. They scream for more effort from players who have given their all, but haven’t developed the technique and tactical ability to succeed.

When I suggest to these coaches that there is a better way, the response is predictable: “Life is tough, I’m not going to coddle these kids, I’m getting them ready for the real world.”

“Life is tough,” I respond, “and sports is a great way to teach kids to deal with challenging situations. But don’t you think it would be better for those kids to tackle those future difficult situations with a strong sense of self-confidence and belief, instead of thinking ‘last time we messed up we got screamed at’ or ‘I messed up and got benched?’’”

The response to my question is also predictable from most coaches that come from the “I have always done it this way, that’s how I was coached” camp: crickets, or at most a shrug and shake of the head.

As parents and coaches, we too often frame losing as something to always be feared and avoided at all costs. When we do this, we don’t prepare kids for future success; we prepare them for future anxiety (we also encourage cheating but that is a whole different article).

There is a better way. Losing can be something positive if framed correctly, especially for young kids.

Trust me, I understand how frustrating losing feels, as both a parent and a coach. I want my kids to be successful, and I certainly want my teams to play hard and get some results for their efforts. I am disheartened when I see the goals pouring in our goal, and my athletes struggling. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. I want to feel better after the game, and usually venting my frustration makes me feel better. But what about the kids? Does it make them better?

There is a better way. It works incredibly well when I am coaching a team, and it works great with my own kids to help after a tough loss.

I ask three simple questions after a tough loss and/or a disappointing performance:

What went well out there?

What needs work?

Why are we better because we lost today?

I learned these three questions from my great friend Dr. Jerry Lynch, author of the outstanding new book Let Them Play: The Mindful Way to Parent Kids for Fun and Success in Sports. Dr. Lynch has been part of over 30 national and world champion teams on the collegiate and professional level, so when he makes a recommendation on how to help a team or athlete, I tend to listen. Here is why these questions work.

What went well out there?

After a loss, many athletes are expecting to get dressed down. They usually feel lousy about a loss, just as parents and coaches do. But they didn’t do everything wrong. Some good things happened, and this question lets players know that we saw some good things. They scored some goals, made some good tackles, and had some great combination plays. Instead of only focusing on what went wrong, this question helps kids understand that they are doing a lot right. This helps them feel like they are continually improving, and that the process has space for both success and disappointment. Better yet, research shows that the most effective leaders and teams give nearly six positive comments for every negative one. It is never all bad, so be sure that your kids never forget that by first asking “what went well?”

What needs work?

Obviously, we lost, so not everything went well. But this is sports, there is always something that needs work, right? We often underemphasize “what needs work” when we win, and overemphasize it when we lose, so asking this in both cases provides balance. We have acknowledged the good, now let’s acknowledge the things we have to put in some extra work on. Did we defend well as a team? How is our fitness? Are we working hard for each other offensively? As a parent, you can ask your son or daughter what things they can focus on in training that week, or better yet, what can they accomplish outside of practice to improve their play. Athletes must be prepared to receive critical feedback from their coaches regardless of the result, and asking them to identify what needs to be worked on is far more effective than simply lecturing them.

Why are we a better team/athlete because we lost today?

This question is the clincher. Development is a process. It is a marathon, not a sprint. There are going to be ups and downs, and the critical thing is we continually learn and improve. The outcome of the competition cannot be changed, but we can influence the outcome of our next event, and our preparation for it. This question helps athletes frame the loss, and take ownership of the training and preparation for the next match. For example, your team might say “We are better because we learned that when we don’t defend as a team, we get scored on a lot. We need to focus on team defending if we are going to be successful next match.” Your athlete might say “I am better because I learned that against a good team, I have to play a lot quicker, so I will be focused on that in practice this week.” This question opens the door to a path forward, helps them move on from the loss, and gives them ownership over their preparation for the upcoming contest.

Three simple, magical questions that turn losing moments into learning moments:

What went well?

What needs work?

Why are we a better team because we lost today?

When a coach asks his or her team these three questions, losing is no longer a scary moment; it becomes a teachable moment. You build a stronger connection with your athletes, you put the loss in the past, and you get your athletes refocused on the process of getting better. Most importantly, you demonstrate that you are in this together. Your athletes will love you for it.

Parents, when you ask your kids these three questions, you remind them that it’s the process, not just the outcome, that matters. You help them take ownership of their improvement, and focus on both their strengths and weaknesses. You also let them know that you are in it with them, whether its good, its bad, or it’s ugly.  It lets them know that you don’t simply love watching them win, but that you love watching them play!

Next time your team is loses, take a deep breath, and ask the three magic questions. You will be glad you did.

And so will your kids.

Coach O’Sullivan is a former college and professional player as well as a high school, club team and college coach. He is offering a FREE video series that is part of his Coaching Mastery program. For more information about gaining access to that program click the link above or in the image below. The video series includes a wealth of coaching education including some motivational and team building ideas used by some of the most successful coaches.