This post was provided by Changing the Game Project

By John O’Sullivan

“Do you want to win every game you play for the rest of your life?”

That was a question that Olympic gold medalist and current USA Women’s Volleyball team head coach Karch Kiraly asked his team as they prepared for the 2014 World Championships.

“Because we can,” he told them. They could schedule easy opponents, play overmatched foes, and play in friendly instead of hostile environments. But then what? Would they be challenged? Would they be pushed? Would they be bored? Of course. Deep down no one wants to win all the rest of their games. You must lose sometimes, and they did as they prepared in 2014..

Kiraly’s team went on to claim the World Championship, and is a favorite for gold in Rio this summer, because they continually challenge themselves. They lose sometimes, but they learn from losing. His question to his team is one our Changing the Game Project speakers ask parents all the time: “Do you want your kids to win all their games for the rest of their life?”

Of course the answer is no. We understand that winning is great, but losing and being challenged and pushed is where young athletes learn the most. We don’t want our kids to play all their games against overmatched teams, or in easy tournaments, because they would eventually get bored and quit. They want to be challenged. Here is the clincher, though.

They are OK with losing, and most kids understand it’s part of the process.

Sadly, many adults struggle with losing far more than their kids. Angry moms and dads berate their kids and officials from the sidelines, and on the ride home after games. Coaches yell and scream at athletes, or worse yet, don’t even let some kids play in matches because they fear losing. They use physical punishment (running, pushups, etc) when kids make technical errors, instead of teaching them. They scream for more effort from players who have given their all, but haven’t developed the technique and tactical ability to succeed.

When I suggest to these coaches that there is a better way, the response is predictable: “Life is tough, I’m not going to coddle these kids, I’m getting them ready for the real world.”

“Life is tough,” I respond, “and sports is a great way to teach kids to deal with challenging situations. But don’t you think it would be better for those kids to tackle those future difficult situations with a strong sense of self-confidence and belief, instead of thinking ‘last time we messed up we got screamed at’ or ‘I messed up and got benched?’’”

The response to my question is also predictable from most coaches that come from the “I have always done it this way, that’s how I was coached” camp: crickets, or at most a shrug and shake of the head.

As parents and coaches, we too often frame losing as something to always be feared and avoided at all costs. When we do this, we don’t prepare kids for future success; we prepare them for future anxiety (we also encourage cheating but that is a whole different article).

There is a better way. Losing can be something positive if framed correctly, especially for young kids.

Trust me, I understand how frustrating losing feels, as both a parent and a coach. I want my kids to be successful, and I certainly want my teams to play hard and get some results for their efforts. I am disheartened when I see the goals pouring in our goal, and my athletes struggling. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. I want to feel better after the game, and usually venting my frustration makes me feel better. But what about the kids? Does it make them better?

There is a better way. It works incredibly well when I am coaching a team, and it works great with my own kids to help after a tough loss.

I ask three simple questions after a tough loss and/or a disappointing performance:

What went well out there?

What needs work?

Why are we better because we lost today?

I learned these three questions from my great friend Dr. Jerry Lynch, author of the outstanding new book Let Them Play: The Mindful Way to Parent Kids for Fun and Success in Sports. Dr. Lynch has been part of over 30 national and world champion teams on the collegiate and professional level, so when he makes a recommendation on how to help a team or athlete, I tend to listen. Here is why these questions work.

What went well out there?

After a loss, many athletes are expecting to get dressed down. They usually feel lousy about a loss, just as parents and coaches do. But they didn’t do everything wrong. Some good things happened, and this question lets players know that we saw some good things. They scored some goals, made some good tackles, and had some great combination plays. Instead of only focusing on what went wrong, this question helps kids understand that they are doing a lot right. This helps them feel like they are continually improving, and that the process has space for both success and disappointment. Better yet, research shows that the most effective leaders and teams give nearly six positive comments for every negative one. It is never all bad, so be sure that your kids never forget that by first asking “what went well?”

What needs work?

Obviously, we lost, so not everything went well. But this is sports, there is always something that needs work, right? We often underemphasize “what needs work” when we win, and overemphasize it when we lose, so asking this in both cases provides balance. We have acknowledged the good, now let’s acknowledge the things we have to put in some extra work on. Did we defend well as a team? How is our fitness? Are we working hard for each other offensively? As a parent, you can ask your son or daughter what things they can focus on in training that week, or better yet, what can they accomplish outside of practice to improve their play. Athletes must be prepared to receive critical feedback from their coaches regardless of the result, and asking them to identify what needs to be worked on is far more effective than simply lecturing them.

Why are we a better team/athlete because we lost today?

This question is the clincher. Development is a process. It is a marathon, not a sprint. There are going to be ups and downs, and the critical thing is we continually learn and improve. The outcome of the competition cannot be changed, but we can influence the outcome of our next event, and our preparation for it. This question helps athletes frame the loss, and take ownership of the training and preparation for the next match. For example, your team might say “We are better because we learned that when we don’t defend as a team, we get scored on a lot. We need to focus on team defending if we are going to be successful next match.” Your athlete might say “I am better because I learned that against a good team, I have to play a lot quicker, so I will be focused on that in practice this week.” This question opens the door to a path forward, helps them move on from the loss, and gives them ownership over their preparation for the upcoming contest.

Three simple, magical questions that turn losing moments into learning moments:

What went well?

What needs work?

Why are we a better team because we lost today?

When a coach asks his or her team these three questions, losing is no longer a scary moment; it becomes a teachable moment. You build a stronger connection with your athletes, you put the loss in the past, and you get your athletes refocused on the process of getting better. Most importantly, you demonstrate that you are in this together. Your athletes will love you for it.

Parents, when you ask your kids these three questions, you remind them that it’s the process, not just the outcome, that matters. You help them take ownership of their improvement, and focus on both their strengths and weaknesses. You also let them know that you are in it with them, whether its good, its bad, or it’s ugly.  It lets them know that you don’t simply love watching them win, but that you love watching them play!

Next time your team is loses, take a deep breath, and ask the three magic questions. You will be glad you did.

And so will your kids.

Coach O’Sullivan is a former college and professional player as well as a high school, club team and college coach. He is offering a FREE video series that is part of his Coaching Mastery program. For more information about gaining access to that program click the link above or in the image below. The video series includes a wealth of coaching education including some motivational and team building ideas used by some of the most successful coaches.

This article provided by Coaches Network

By Wayne Goldsmith,

Also known as the “Sports Coaching Brain,” has 25 years of experience coaching and providing advice to others. With a nod toward Stephen Covey, he offers “The Ten Habits of Highly Effective Coaches.”

Train beyond the target: Goldsmith urges coaches to train athletes for challenges greater than the competition they face. Strengths and weaknesses need be assessed, and the next step is to raise the bar “physically, mentally, technically and emotionally” so players enter competition with an invaluable edge over opponents.

Evolve faster than your players: Age may rob an older coach of a few steps on the field, but experience (coupled with resources on the Internet), give him savvy and wisdom. Life-long learning is a good idea for anyone. For coaches it is vital. In addition, Goldsmith advises coaches to be rigorously honest about their abilities and if necessary request professional evaluation of their own skills from a trusted adviser.

Know your opponents better than they know you: Coaches who can get inside the heads of an opponent’s leader have a distinct advantage come game time. Here again, the Internet can be a coach’s best friend.

Get out of your sport and think creatively: Great coaches understand that they can only know so much and do so much in their programs before stagnation and copycatting threaten. Creative thinking is the ability to approach any situation from a number of angles. The off-season should be a time to boost creative thinking capacity. Some coaches enroll in classes that have little to do with sport but everything to do with thinking outside their field, such as music or art or philosophy. Great coaches are innovators and you can’t innovate without thinking creatively.

Coach the individual: “There are no true team sports left,” writes Goldsmith. The science of performance analysis offers highly detailed information on every athlete’s strengths and weaknesses. No matter the sport, all competition comes down to a series of one-on-one moments. Every player on a team needs direct engagement to inspire them to excel beyond any pregame analysis of their limits.

Make every individual workout a rehearsal for game day: Winning coaches create an environment where a culture of excellence underpins everything and everybody,” writes Goldsmith. It’s not just brains and muscle–it’s heart and soul. A great coach trains the one to teach the others and in doing so catalyzes a group of individuals into a cohesive unit that is both mentally tough and flexible. Add hardcore training to that mix and the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts.

No two training sessions should be exactly the same: “Adapt your training plans to optimize their impact on each individual athlete at every training session,” Goldsmith writes. The best laid plans of the smartest coaches can go astray at the training level. Each training session must be about preparing an individual athlete for every performance possibility at the moment of contact with the opponent.

 

It’s not practice that makes perfect–its performance practice that does so: Goldsmith puts a new twist on the old adage of “practice makes perfect.” He says the great coaches take it further. Skills can be mastered by practice. “(But) to master a skill so that it can be executed the right way at the right time in competition? … Follow the performance practice philosophy.”

 

Follow an integrated, multi-disciplinary approach to developing talent and performance enhancement: Most athletes at the high school level will spend about one or two hours a day at their athletic tasks; that number moves up in college. So most of their time is not spent training. Great coaches encourage their players to use some of that “free time” to concentrate on the performance ahead.

Great coaches are great leaders. “They dare to be different; they do things others are not ready for; they (are) drivers of change,” writes Goldsmith. They are risk-takers within reason and thrive in conflict without losing their heads. They are not shy about pushing for the win; nor do they complain when they lose. Accepting responsibility is part of their credo.

 

Professionals seek a standard of excellence, constantly improving and incorporating the best knowledge and research in your field in order to get better at what you do every single day.

By John O’Sullivan, founder of Change the Game Project.

“What makes you a professional?”

That was the question Dr. Richard Bailey, Head of Research at the International Council of Sport Science and Physical Education, posed to me and 250 PGA instructors in Orlando this past January at the PGA Youth and Global Summit.

“Does getting paid to do something make you a professional? I don’t think so,” he continued, as he displayed the image above.

“Does belonging to a professional association of coaches or instructors make you a professional?” he asked. “Can’t we do better than that? Don’t we expect more of our professional doctors and lawyers and accountants than to simply be paid for their work or belong to a trade association?”

“No, being a professional is much more. It means seeking a standard of excellence, constantly improving and incorporating the best knowledge and research in your field in order to get better at what you do every single day. That is what it means to be a professional.”

A lot of heads were nodding in the crowd.

“Then we better get to work,” said Bailey, “because when it comes to coaching across the globe, there are far too many coaches who want to be considered professionals in their field, but have no intention of improving themselves or seeking a standard of excellence. They want to be treated like professionals but have no intention of acting like one. This is what we need to change.”

Amen Dr. B! Amen! (click here to listen to our podcast with Dr. B!)

I am a coach. For the past twenty plus years, coaching has been my profession. Yet for far too long, I didn’t act professionally. I got paid. I joined associations. I took my certifications and licenses. But I didn’t look beyond those things. I didn’t seek out more. I blamed my players for not learning, instead of myself for not properly teaching. And then something remarkable happened.

I had my own children. I realized for the first time in my life that there was something more important than myself. I realized the tremendous trust and responsibility that was placed with me by parents who turned over the physical and emotional well-being of their children to me.

I realized I was letting too many of those kids down. It was time for me to become a true professional coach and not simply a coach who got paid. It changed me forever as a coach. It did not make me perfect – far from it – but every day I try and get better. How?

I think about what I missed at practice today.

When players do not learn something, I look first to where I failed as a teacher before I blame the students.

I look for more effective ways to teach.

I try and be a better listener.

I surround myself with coaches who challenge me and critique how I work.

I read books and research on a daily basis.

Do you?

Our goal at the Changing the Game Project is for all coaches to become more professional in our work. That does not mean we all will get paid, but it does mean they get trained and held to a higher standard. Our work is too important.

This article is for those of us who do get paid. This is for coaches who take a paycheck and work with kids and young adults, either on a full-time or part-time basis. Because I look around and I see a lot of non-professionals out there, and you are doing our profession a huge disservice. You are giving us a bad name. You refuse to attend certification or licensing, and never pick up a book or go watch a true master coach at work. Some of you are scaring families and children into accepting everything you say and do, a deity who controls their playing time, their participation, and their future, promising scholarships and “playing at the next level” without even understanding what that means, or caring how many eggs you break in order to find one that does not crack.

We need a higher standard. Parents must demand it. Good coaches must demand it. Athletes must demand it. And administrators must demand it. So what does that standard look like?

When Dr. Jerry Lynch and I work with college teams, we start with two basic questions:

1.     What are we doing now that we need to KEEP doing if we want to be successful in the future?
2.     What do we need to STOP doing that we are doing now if we want to be successful in the future?

These questions seem quite appropriate here. What do we need to keep doing, and what do we need to stop doing, if we want coaching to be a profession?

Here are a few things that I see great coaches doing, that we ALL must keep doing in order to truly be professionals:

–       Be a lifelong learner and master of your craft: the number of NCAA, world and Olympic titles that guests on our Way of Champions Podcast have won is approaching 100, and the one commonality amongst the best coaches is that they are lifelong learners. Peter Vint, former USOC Performance Director, said it best when describing USA Women’s Volleyball Coach Karch Kiraly: “He has a deep curiosity and a relentless pursuit of becoming better.” YES!

–       Be a good listener: This is one quality that all great leaders possess, the ability to listen to their athletes and use what they hear to craft great practices and build great teams. Great listeners are great connectors, and the ability to connect is a core competency of quality coaching

–       Coach the person, not the sport: you don’t coach soccer, you coach Johnnie and Jimmy. Every single person in your group needs something slightly different from you. Some need discipline, and some need a hug, because they never get it at home. Know the difference and relentlessly connect with each person and each athlete. Ultimately, your influence will last much longer than the sport.

–       Intentionally build culture and positive team dynamics: when they ask kids what makes sports fun, three of the top five things have to do with positivity and great team building. Culture is not an accident, it is something that is purposely created. Culture is not an event; it is a process. Great coaches create the positive culture and dynamics that allows athletes to flourish.

–       Engage parents: “Most parents are not crazy: they are stressed,” says Skye Eddy Bruce, founder of www.SoccerParenting.com. “We need to stop using the crazy ones as an excuse to not engage the stressed ones.” YES! Parents are stressed because they are afraid their child is missing out, they are running all over the place taking kids to private this and group that, and it costs money and time. Professional youth coaches build trust, give parents good information, communicate continuously, and give feedback to parents and kids. Your life will be much easier if you recognize parents as partners in the process and engage them as such. A little work up front saves you a lot of work on the back end!

–       Make yourself redundant: as opposed to joystick coaching (see below). I have heard quite a few top coaches say this, and describe how they give ownership to athletes in incremental bits so that they start to hold each other accountable, solve problems on their own, and take ownership of the team. James Kerr talks about this in Legacy, how the New Zealand All-Blacks do this (“pass the ball”). Steve Kerr talks about the Warriors being “the players’ team.” This is tough, but it is how great coaches work. A side benefit is your athletes will be more engaged, more focused, and excited to learn once the focus shifts to an internal locus of control.

–       Understand coaching is about Xs and Os AND Relationships: we speak a lot about winning the relationship game with your athletes, yet sadly far too few coaching courses teach this. Yes, your activities and knowledge of Xs and Os and sport science matters, but it is not sufficient. Your players don’t care how much you know ‘till they know how much you care!

–       Get a mentor, or 6: surround yourself with other coaches in and outside of your sport who will critique you, challenge you, and push you to become better. Film yourself, ask for feedback from players and parents, and if you expect your players to be open to learning, demonstrate that you are as well.

Here are a few things youth coaches must STOP doing if we want to be considered professionals:

–       Demeaning children: I just read this incredible letter from a coach who is dying of cancer. He reflected on how he speaks to the kids, and how he may be giving his last pregame talk. If we are not OK with our words being the last words a child ever hears from us, then those words should never leave our lips. As Coach Russ Powell concludes in his letter, “I simply refuse to make a player feel bad because they’ve missed a penalty, misplaced a pass or lacks natural ability in their game. Now you may read this and dismiss it that’s your choice. The one thing to think about is, you never know when your last team talk will be or the last time you see your child play football. I know that time for me is soon and I want to make it an incredible experience.”

–       Ignoring Parents: who are we to be so high and mighty that we do not let parents know how their kids are doing, where they stand, and how they can help. We need to engage them, not ignore them.

–       Disrespecting officials: treat them with the dignity and respect that they deserve. Just because someone gets $20 a game to officiate does not give you the right to berate them and insult them, especially over an inconsequential call. It is a terrible message to your players, disrespects the game you coach, and is currently driving officials out of sports faster than we can replace them. What will you do when there is no one left to referee?

–       Not letting kids play: there is no game at the youth level that is so important that a player who comes to practices and fulfills the basic commitments of the team should not get meaningful playing time in. None. IF YOU PICK THEM, YOU PLAY THEM. The number of emails I get from parents of children who want to quit a sport they once loved because the coach refuses to put them in, or pulls them after a single mistake, are way too high.

–       Refusing to educate yourself: stop talking about 10,000 hours to mastery as if it is some magical boundary; there is no such thing! Stop isolating skills in blocked practices and then wondering why the players cannot perform them in games and matches Please read the actual peer-reviewed science and the latest evidence on how people learn and how skill is acquired. Stop saying “I have always done it this way” as that is about as unprofessional as it gets.

–       Joystick coaching: let the intelligence be on the field, not on the sideline. Let them make decisions, let them face desirable difficulties, let them make mistakes, and create an environment of learning. If you move every player where he should be and solve every problem the game presents, what then? When do the players get to learn?

Coaches, we need to be professionals. Not simply paycheck collectors. Not simply members of some trade association (though that is a start).

We must be true professionals.

Men and women who seek a standard of excellence in our work every single day.

Men and women who hold each other accountable for that high standard.

Men and women who call out those who do not meet the standard.

Men and women who celebrate those that do.

We are coaches.

We don’t just have a job.

We have a calling, and an immense responsibility.

And that calling demands more.

Coach O’Sullivan is a former college and professional player as well as a high school, club team and college coach. He is offering a FREE video series that is part of his Coaching Mastery program. For more information about gaining access to that program click the link above or in the image below. The video series includes a wealth of coaching education including some motivational and team building ideas used by some of the most successful coaches.

This post is provided by Coaches Network

Communication is a two-way street. Not only do coaches need to be able to send clear messages that are interpreted as intended, they also need to receive messages from their athletes and staff.

In a book published by Human Kinetics, Sports psychologists Damon Burton and Thomas Raedeke, describe what good communication looks like and why it’s so important to the success of a coach.

Coaches who can clearly communicate expectations, goals, standards, and feelings to their athletes will be better able to provide instruction and lead their team. First, it’s important to note that there are two types of communication: verbal and nonverbal. Both can play a major role in how you interact with your athletes.

Many don’t realize how much nonverbal actions or gestures can affect the messages you send to others. According to Burton and Raedeke, “communication experts suggest that between 65% and 93% of the meaning of a message is conveyed through tone of voice and nonverbal behaviors (Johnson 2003).” This means that your behavior should reinforce what you say. For example, if you tell your athletes to have a positive attitude regardless of the score, you shouldn’t have a sad or dejected look on the sidelines when your team is losing or making mistakes.

Just as athletes will pick up your nonverbal cues, coaches can also learn a lot from the ways athletes behave. Not every athlete is going to tell you when they’re feeling confident or when they’re unhappy or discouraged. By being an active observer, you can better understand how your athletes are feeling and how you should communicate with them.

Timing is key to communication. Coaches constantly need to make judgments on whether or not a message needs to be sent. Sometimes a situation requires a coach’s intervention, while other times athletes might benefit from having the independence to figure things out on their own. Try to find a balance between talking too much and talking too little. Coaches who talk too much tend to ramble on and bore their athletes with unnecessary instruction, while coaches who talk too little can make the mistake of assuming their athletes know what to do or what is expected of them.

Interpretation is also a major factor. Saying something is one thing, but getting others to correctly interpret what you mean is another. It’s easy for coaches to think that what they say to their athletes will be interpreted as encouragement or helpful instruction. Yet, according to Burton and Raedeke, a simple “Run hard!” from a coach can sometimes be interpreted as “He never thinks I run hard enough.” In order to effectively communicate, you will need to give equal weight to the content of the message and the emotional impact on the receiver. By getting to know your athletes, you can become more aware of what to say and how to say it.

Burton and Raedeke cite a study that involved spending hundreds of hours observing coaches and evaluating their impact on athletes (Smith 2001, Smoll & Smith 2006). The researchers observed more than 70 coaches, coded over 80,000 behaviors, and surveyed close to 1,000 athletes. Their findings provide a helpful guide to effective communication.

They found that athletes responded positively to coaches who provided:

Positive feedback after a good performance effort
Corrective instruction and encouragement after a performance mistake
Technical instruction and a moderate amount of general encouragement unrelated to performance quality

On the other hand, athletes responded unfavorably to coaches who:

Failed to notice or reinforce good performance efforts
Criticized mistakes
Provided instruction after a mistake in a critical fashion

 

Mentally strong people have healthy habits. They manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that set them up for success in life. Check out these things that mentally strong people don’t do so that you too can become more mentally strong.

By Amy Morin, LCSW, author of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do”

1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves

Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.

2. They Don’t Give Away Their Power

They don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change

Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.

4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control

You won’t hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone

Mentally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time. They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn’t make them happy.

6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks

They don’t take reckless or foolish risks, but don’t mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they’re fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past

Mentally strong people don’t waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they’ve learned from it. However, they don’t constantly relive bad experiences or fantasize about the glory days. Instead, they live for the present and plan for the future.

8. They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over

They accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don’t keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.

9. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success

Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life. They don’t grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.

10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure

They don’t view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.

11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time

Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don’t fear silence. They aren’t afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive. They enjoy their own company and aren’t dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.

12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything

They don’t feel entitled to things in life. They weren’t born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.

13. They Don’t Expect Immediate Results

Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, mentally strong people don’t expect immediate results. Instead, they apply their skills and time to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.

I am always looking for mental toughness resources and just finished reading the Book “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.” The lessons are applicable to all areas of living a happy and successful life, including athletics.